


You've Got a Deal

by doctorxdonna (badxwolfxrising)



Series: Earth Girls Are So Not Easy [14]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Body Swap, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4031578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badxwolfxrising/pseuds/doctorxdonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Doctor accidentally gets Donna pregnant, she makes him swap bodies with her again.  More tropetastic crackfic. #sorrynotsorry</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Got a Deal

Donna was violently ill, and, the Doctor suspected, on the verge of becoming violent with him. She was seething.

The Doctor held back her hair, and pressed a cool cloth to the back of her neck, glad that from this angle she couldn’t slap him.

“This is all your fault,” she moaned, head hanging over the toilet. “You said we weren’t genetically compatible.”

“We don’t know that you’re pregnant.”

“Be fair, what else could it be?”

“Food poisoning?”

Donna turned around, and shot him a withering look. “You don’t miss your period because of food poisoning, dumbo. You miss your period because some skinny alien git who wanted to get his dipstick wet lied to you about the need for birth control!”

“I meant the vomiting, Donna. That could still be food poisoning,” he said, though he admitted it sounded weak, even to his own ears.

“Tell you what, if it actually is food poisoning, I’ll make you breakfast in bed for the next week.”

“Banana pancakes?”

“It isn’t bloody food poisoning, you dunce! Just take me to the med bay, and we can sort this in five minutes,” she said, collapsing back against the cool tiled wall.

“There are other reasons you could have missed your period,” he said, even as he was running multiple tests on her. “We are time travelers, the vortex can do strange things to the body sometimes. It could just be stress-we have almost died twice in the last two weeks.”

“That was also your fault,” she hissed.

“Well it’s not like I can know everything. How was I supposed to know that wearing pinstripes would be considered deathly offensive on Uclite?”

“And the dragon?”

“Well, alright. I suppose literally poking it with a stick to see if it was really asleep probably wasn’t my finest idea.”

“Oh, do you think?” Donna said with a sneer.

“Still, like I said, it could be stress. It could be you’ve developed a thyroid irregularity, or polycystic ovary syndrome. Could even be premature menopause,” he said, although seeing the look on her face he hastily added, “But that’s pretty unlikely because you’re still quite young.”

The portable diagnostic tool he was using to run the tests on Donna pinged, indicating the results were ready. The Doctor picked up the tool, and peered at the tiny little screen. He took out his glasses, slipped them on, and stared back down at the tool.

“Well?” Donna prompted him.

“You’re pregnant,” he finally said, setting the tool down.

She got off the table where she was sitting, and began slapping his chest and shoulders. “What the hell kind of doctor are you, anyway? YOU SAID WE WEREN’T COMPATIBLE!”

“Ow, ow, ow, Donna, stop it!” he said, grabbing her wrists. “Doing that’s not going to change anything.”

She sagged against him. “Doctor...what are we going to do?”

“What do you want to do?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head.

“What do you want to do?’ she replied.

“I asked you first,” he said, running his fingers through her hair.

“Well,” she said hesitantly. “I have always wanted a baby…”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, about that. There’s a very high likelihood that it might be...well, more than one baby.”

She drew back, and gave him the hairy eyeball. “What do you mean by ‘more than one’?”

“Um, weeeeeell…”

“Spit it out, Spaceman!”

“Maybe three to six? It’s an evolutionary thing Time Lords have, to ensure the survival of the species. Our sperm, when it first makes contact with an egg, will cause it to divide. More babies, more potential Time Lords.”

“Well thanks for the science lesson,” Donna said calmly before kicking him square in the crotch and storming out of the med bay.

It was several minutes later when he finally managed to pull himself off the floor to limp down to Donna’s room. He tried the door, but unsurprisingly, it was locked.

“Donna, come on,” he said, knocking insistently. “I just want to talk to you.”

“Go away! I hate you!”

“You don’t mean that,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “It’s just the-”

“So help me Spaceman if you say ‘hormones’, I’ll come out there and make sure that you’re never able to divide anyone’s eggs ever again!”

Wisely, he decided to shut his mouth. He slid down the door to the floor, and stuck his legs out in front of him. After several minutes of silence, he cleared his throat. “You can’t stay in there forever.”

“Not forever, no. Just the next nine months. For your safety.”

“Uh...yeah. About the whole nine months thing…?”

Donna flung the door open. “You’d better choose your next words very carefully, Time Boy.”

The Doctor swallowed hard, realizing he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It didn’t matter how he phrased the next thing he was about to say-Donna was still 150% likely to murder him after he said it.

“Could you just...go back inside and close the door? I don’t think I can say this while I look you in the face,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well I’m the mother of your children, Spaceman, so you’d better get used to this face because you’re stuck with it now,” she said, putting her hands on her hips.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back subtly on his heels, in an effort to move himself out of immediate slapping distance. “Time Lords are more developed than humans. Our brains, our bodies-they’re more advanced. We have senses and capabilities beyond what your average human has...and it takes time for those things to develop. The gestation period for Time Lords is longer than for humans.”

Donna narrowed her eyes at him. “How much longer?”

He pulled at his ear. “Say...three more months?”

“I’m going to be pregnant for _a year_?” she asked, her voice gone dangerously soft.

“I’m afraid so, yes,” he said, avoiding her gaze.

She laughed. “Well, that’s not going to happen. There’s no way I’m going to agree to be pregnant for a whole bleeding year.”

The Doctor tried his best not to look shocked. He had known of course that this outcome would be a possibility, as soon as he had asked Donna what she wanted to do, but he hadn’t considered it likely because he knew how much Donna had always wanted children. After all, she’d had twins in the library universe. Was an extra baby or three really so bad? _He_ wanted to have babies with Donna Noble, didn’t realize just how bad he wanted it because he had never thought it would be a possibility. And apparently, he’d been right about that.

“If that’s what you’re sure you want to do,” he said as neutrally as possible.

“Well, I think it’s only fair,” she said. After all, you’re the one who got me into this mess. So tell you what. I’ll do half the year, and you do half the year.”

He blinked at her, uncomprehending. “I’m sorry?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ll do half, and you do half. If you want, I’ll take the second half. I wouldn’t expect you to give birth.”

“Donna, what are you talking about?” he asked, completely confused.

“Body swapping, you great big outer space dunce. We’ve done it once before, shouldn’t be a problem to do it again.”

The Doctor laughed, but saw the look on Donna’s face. “Oh, were you serious?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m serious. Like I said, there’s no way I’m spending an entire year pregnant. I think this is a fair bargain.”

“Yeah, alright,” he said with a grin, not really thinking about what he was really agreeing to, just being happy that Donna actually wanted to have children with him.

“So, off to Athena Minor then?” she asked.

“Oh, no, that won’t be necessary,” he said. “I was talking to Jack just the other day. A body swapping machine came through the rift in Cardiff. Caused some problems in the beginning, but they’ve figured out how it works now.”

“So where was this body swapping machine months ago when we were stuck as each other?” she asked, hands on her hips.

“It only just came through the rift,” he said, settling his hands on her waist. “And besides, if it weren’t for us swapping bodies, we never would’ve ended up together. And this,” he said, moving his hands so they were spread open across her abdomen, “Wouldn’t have been possible.”

“Suppose not,” she said, smiling faintly. “Suppose having children with my best friend won’t be the most horrible thing in the world, either. I could do worse.”

He chuckled. ‘I’m glad you think so. Nice to see you’re coming around.”

She let her hands come to join his. “We don’t even know how many babies there are yet.”

“Come back to the med bay and we can find out. But this time, please no punching me,” he pleaded.

“I’ll think about it,” she said, letting him take her by the elbow and lead her back down the hallway.

* * * * *

“So, tell me again...why exactly are you two swapping bodies?” Jack asked, as he hooked electrodes and wires up to the Doctor’s head.

“Oh, you know, science experiment. Being the same gender for over 900 years gets a bit stagnant, wanted to see how they live on the other side,” the D.octor babbled.

Donna rolled her eyes. She was already hooked up and ready to go, they were just waiting for Jack to finish getting the Doctor prepared. “He got me pregnant and I only agreed to do it if he split the time with me half and half.”

“ _What?_ ” Jack exclaimed, dropping the wire he was holding.

“Donna!” the Doctor said, shooting her a look. “Why’d you tell him? It was supposed to be a secret!”

“Yeah well, he was gonna find out anyway, when we came back in a few months to switch back,” she replied.

Jack’s eyes glinted. “You dog! Good for you! I was starting to think you were asexual.”

“Oi!” the Doctor protested.

“No offense, Donna,” Jack added. “I’d impregnate you too, if I had the opportunity.”

“I’ll make sure to give you my number before we go,” she said, ignoring the dirty sidelong glance the Doctor threw her way.

“Well, you two ready?” Jack asked, stepping back.

“As ready as we’re going to be, I’d imagine,” the Doctor said.

Jack pulled the lever.

* * * * *

_Six weeks later…_

“Donna, did you eat the last of the Chubby Hubby?” the Doctor asked, peering into the freezer.

“Yeah, last night,” she replied, turning the page of the magazine she was reading. It was some gossip rag from the last planet they had visited, the sort of stuff he hated. Not Donna, though.

“Seriously?” he asked, turning to look at her with his hands on his hips. “The babies want Chubby Hubby. They demand Chubby Hubby!”

“So go get some more,” she replied, yawning.

“Could you be any less sympathetic?” he grumbled.

“Just remember this day, when you’re back in your own body, and you go to eat the last of the chocolate Hob Nobs when you know I’m PMSing,” she said, sweeping out of the kitchen.

The Doctor sighed, and returned to foraging. In the absence of ice cream, he made himself a peanut butter and sardine sandwich instead. It would have to do.

* * * * *

_Two weeks later…_

“Donna?” the Doctor whispered.

“Hmmm?” she yawned sleepily.

“Are you awake?”

“I am now,” she replied, flipping onto her back. “What do you want?”

“I can’t sleep,” he replied. She couldn’t see his face, but she was sure that he was pouting.

Donna sighed, and heaved herself up onto her elbows. “What’s wrong?”

“What if...what if they hate me?”

“What if who hates you?”

“The babies. What if they hate me? What if I’m a rubbish parent?” he asked, the anguish evident in his voice. He sounded on the verge of tears.

“Alright there, easy,” Donna said, pulling him into her arms. “As insufferable as you are at times, it’d be impossible to hate you. You’re too bloody amazing. And I’m sure you’ll be an excellent dad. You are caretaker of the universe, after all, a few half-human babies should be easy peasy.”

He sniffled. “You mean that?”

“Of course I do. I mean, I wouldn’t let just any alien into my knickers,” she teased.

“Speaking of knickers…”

“What about them?”

“Do you think maybe you’d like to get inside of mine?” he asked coyly.

“Can I go back to sleep after?”

“Will you make me banana pancakes before you do?”

“Ugh, fine. The things I do for you, Spaceman.”

“You love it.”

“No, I love you,” she replied, still managing to kiss him square on the mouth, even in the dark.

“Can I get that in writing?” he chuckled.

“Don’t push it, Doctor,” she said, slipping her hand beneath the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

* * * * *

_Five weeks later…_

“Do we have to do this?” the Doctor whined, looking doubtfully at the maternity store they were about to enter.

“Yes,” Donna replied, shoving him inside the store.

“I bloody hate clothes shopping,” he grumbled. “Why do I need to buy clothes that aren’t going to fit after a couple of months anyway?”

“Because nothing I own fits you anymore, and I don’t want you stretching out all of my favorite tops,” she replied, thumbing through a rack of polka dot dresses. “What do you think of this? Pretty cute, yeah?”

“Suppose,” he sniffed. “Do they have any pinstripes?”

“Doesn’t look like it. Sorry, Doctor.”

“All of these clothes are hideous. Is this really what they expect pregnant women to wear?” he asked, fingering a blue and green top. “I mean, it’s not enough that I feel like I swallowed a planet, now they want me to look like I did, too?”

“You’re being melodramatic.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not!”

“Can I help you find anything?” the clerk asked, interrupting their argument.

“Doubtful,” the Doctor replied, sporting the look Donna had dubbed ‘the Oncoming Pout’. “Unless you happen to have a hidden room full of pinstriped suits.”

“Don’t be rude,” Donna admonished. “You’ll have to excuse my...partner. He gets cranky..sorry, she gets cranky whenever she hasn’t eaten in more than two hours.”

The Doctor stuck his lip out. “You’re making fun of me. Would you tell her it’s not nice to make fun of your pregnant significant other?”

“Uh…?” the clerk floundered.

“Oh, don’t be so oversensitive. It’s true! You get all grumbly when you haven’t had your afternoon snack,” Donna said. 

“I would’ve had my snack if you hadn’t interrupted me in the kitchen to make me fix your laptop. How do you keep getting so much spyware, anyway? Are you downloading porn?”

“You think I have time to download porn when I’m busy indulging your every whiny, petulant, self-indulgent, hypochondriac whim?”

“Hey now,” the clerk said, holding up her hands. “ _That_ really wasn’t nice.”

Donna rolled her eyes. ‘You wouldn’t say that if you really knew the Doctor. And anyway, I am being nice. After all-I did say I indulge those whims, not deny them. Mind your own business, Sally.”

“Okay...but you started arguing in front of me,” the clerk pointed out.

“No sunshine, _you_ interrupted what was obviously a private conversation. How about your scurry off and go put those hideous paisley tunics back on a hanger?”

“I think you should go,” the clerk said, her voice strained.

“Fine,” the Doctor said, grabbing Donna’s hand. “We were about to be leaving anyway. What kind of self-respecting maternity store doesn’t carry slimcut pinstriped suits?”

The clerk could only stare after them. Working retail, she had met all kinds of people, but never a couple as strange as the one who had just left. She felt terribly sorry for their offspring-their parents were both obviously mad.

* * * * *

_One week later…_

“Donna!” the Doctor said, urgently, shaking her shoulder. “Donna, wake up!”

“What is it?” she said, sitting bolt upright. “What’s wrong?”

The Doctor grabbed her hand, and guided it to his swollen belly. “Do you feel that?”

“They’re kicking,” she said, awed. 

He couldn’t see her face (damn bloody inferior human vision), but he knew, somehow, that she was smiling. “Yeah.”

They were both quiet, their entwined hands still clasped over his pregnant belly.

“What does it feel like?” Donna finally asked. She almost sounded a bit...wistful?

He thought about how to best describe the feeling. A good analogy to use. He was struggling to put it into words. “It’s like...when you’ve been away from the person you love for a while, maybe a day, or maybe a month. And you’re on your way to see them, maybe on a train, or a bus, or a starship. And you get off at your platform or your stop, and the crowd is surging around you, and you’re searching, scanning for them, but there is so many people. And then suddenly, through a gap in the crowd, you see them walking through the door. And they see you. And all of a sudden, everything is just right in the universe. Because you’re together again. And you run towards each other, but before you can fall into each other’s arms, there’s this feeling in your stomach, not really unpleasant, but somehow strange-like a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttering around your insides. That’s what it feels like.”

“Oh,” she said, swallowing thickly. “You talk about that like it’s something you’ve experienced many times before.”

“Not many times. Just a handful, actually. But the most recent time was when I stepped off the Crusader 50 rescue vehicle, back on Midnight, and I saw you there,” he said.

“I gave you butterflies?”

“You gave me butterflies. Still do, actually.”

“So what you mean is that you give yourself butterflies,” she said dryly.

“Oh Donna, you know what I was trying to say. Quit twisting my words.”

“Relax, Spaceman. I believe you,” she said, nestling her chin against his shoulder and smelling his honey-toffee body wash. The Doctor’s sense of smell was naturally more acute than hers, could pick up the slightest nuances of different aromas. She didn’t know how he’d survived with it this long. She was constantly almost overwhelmed by how powerful some scents were. Even the scent of her own sweet pea body wash was too strong, the Doctor had just always been too polite to say anything about it. He had been only too happy to switch to an all natural brand that was made locally in England, in small batches. He smelled good enough to eat, and sometimes, she did.

Eventually, they fell back asleep, their hands still clasped together over his belly.

* * * * *

_Two weeks later…_

“Wotcha doin’?” the Doctor asked, flopping down next to Donna on the couch.

“Catching up on my shows,” she answered.

The Doctor leaned against her, and rested his hand on her knee. She was only wearing pants and a tshirt. She refused to wear his suits unless absolutely necessary, which was basically only when they went out in public. Otherwise, she wore pants and a tshirt, or sometimes just pants. Today, it was the latter.

“Oh?” he asked, his hand slowly creeping up her thigh. “What shows?”

“Just Bones, at the moment. I caught up on most everything else while you’ve been sleep-can I help you?” she asked sharply.

“What?” he asked innocently, still cupping her through her pants.

“What? Your hand on my crotch, that’s what.”

“Technically, it’s _my_ crotch.”

“Oi, Spaceman, don’t argue semantics with me!”

“Oh come on Donna, please? I’m horny,” he pouted.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re always horny.”

“Well it’s not like I can help it. It’s apparently normal for a female of your species,” he said, as if this explained everything.

“We had sex this morning. Or don’t you remember?” Donna said lightly.

“Yeah, I remember, but I’m still horny.”

Donna sighed. “Let me finish this episode.”

“How long will that be?”

“It’s only halfway through, so at least another twenty, twenty-five minutes.”

The Doctor sighed, and fidgeted. He sat up, only to slouch back down against the couch, where he stayed, pouting. After several minutes of listening to him fidget and sigh, Donna finally took the bait. “Alright, what is it now?”

“I’m so horny it hurts. Come on, Donna, help a bloke..er, gal, out,” he said, running his hand up and down her thigh.

“If you’re that eager, don’t wait for me. Go take care of yourself,” Donna told him. From her tone, he could tell that she was beginning to get irritated.

“How?”

“Seriously? You’ve given me how many orgasms, and you want to know how to wank?”

“Well I can’t very well go down on myself!” he protested.

“Well you could, but that would only end up benefiting me, not you,” Donna pointed out.

“Donnaaaaaaa….”

“There’s a Jackrabbit in the bottom left drawer of the nightstand in my bedroom. Turn it on, and go to town. You’re clever, I’m sure you can figure it out.”

The Doctor sighed, and stomped from the room.

Judging by the sounds she heard coming from her bedroom about ten, and then fifteen, and then twenty minutes later, he had figured it out. Several times, even.

* * * * *

_Three hours later…_

“Donna, I’m hungry. Are you hungry? I’m hungry,” he asked, shaking her arm.

“I’m not hungry. We ate two hours ago.”

“Would you make me a snack?”

“You’ve got two hands, make your own damn snack!”

“But it tastes better when you make it!”

“Alright, that’s it,” Donna said, dragging him towards the console room. “Torchwood. Now.”

“Why would we go to Torchwood?” he asked, confused.

“So we can switch back!” she said, in such a way that indicated that it should be obvious. It kind of was, actually.

“It hasn’t even been twenty-six weeks yet. Are you sure?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure. I can’t take another another week of your whinging, let alone another ten!”

“Oh...okay,” the Doctor said, looking dejected. He punched the coordinates into the console, and pulled the lever to initiate the dematerialization sequence.

“What?” Donna asked.

“Nothing.”

“Obviously it’s something.”

“Ah...I’m just going to miss being you, that’s all. It’s been like living in a bouncy castle.”

Donna narrowed her eyes. “Right. Definitely time to switch back. Who knows what you’ve been doing when I wasn’t watching.”

The Doctor snorted. “Are we going to ignore the fact that I caught you wanking in the shower a few weeks ago?”

“It wouldn’t go down! I tried taking a cold shower, but it didn’t help.”

“Oh yeah, and who were you thinking about?”

Donna rolled her eyes. “David Beckham. Who do you think, dumbo? I was thinking about you! Not me you, you you.”

He looked pleased. “Really?”

“Ugh, you are never going to shut up about this, are you?”

“Probably not, no.”

“What would you say if I agreed to shag you at least twice a day when we’re back in our own bodies? Would you agree not to bring it up then?”

“I’d say you’ve got a deal, Donna Noble.”

She, of course, made him put it in writing.


End file.
